30 Fun Ideas to Avoid a Sad Single Awareness Day

Let’s spare the details about how your loneliness has reached epic proportions, and you will probably never be capable of any sort of romance, and keep positive! There are so many things you could be doing other than sobbing at Golden Corral/Nearest Pig Trough.

Hush now, baby girl

Here are some ideas to keep you fresh, fun and on top of the world this Single Awareness Day:

• Bake cookies. Get piping and icing and draw faces on them. Name a cookie after each person that has broken your heart. Then eat them. (Feel free to double the recipe). 
• Call up NASA and get a star named after your cat.
• Write a single haiku about human rights violations and a lack of political transparency in Myanmar. Frame it and send it to your dentist.
• Watch Driving Miss Daisy or The Exorcist. Whichever scares you more. 
• Go to a popular romantic restaurant dressed as a gay toothless alien/Kurt from Glee. Dine alone while singing show tunes. 
• Contemplate the concept of a “fat homeless person”. 
• Pay homage to coriander.
• Go to the DMV. Get to the front of the line, and say you have to leave suddenly, but that you really enjoyed the experience and will be back again. 
• Find Bobby Fischer. 
• Buy a chocolate pie. Eat the whole thing in one sitting or throw it away. Like they always say, go big or don’t even bother to show up.
• Don’t use your arms for the day.
• Fine tune your hand-under-armpit farts.
• Print out full page face pictures of the British Royal Family. Tape to broomsticks. Put on a tiara. Have a tea party.
• Begin your collection of 18th century porcelain dolls or tiny hats. Whichever is easier.
• Sell your soul on eBay to the highest bidder.
• Get a list of all bank tellers named Daria in your area (I think this averages out to about 8 per city). Choose one. Go to the bank and pretend to open an account. Look at her name tag and refer to her as Diarrhea. Say you don’t feel comfortable opening up an account with someone named Diarrhea. Leave the bank.
• Write a short story about an aboriginal circus clown with a meth addiction. Send for publishing in The New Yorker.
• Speak in Cat. “Cat language is purrrrrfect. You need to start learning it immeowdiately. It’s meow or never.”
• Call a team meeting to “Discuss New Protocol”. Get everyone into the conference room. Take off your top and dance on the table. There is no music. Do not crack a smile. Dump a Costco can of tomatoes on your body. Then say, “Any questions?” and leave. 
• Buy 12 Chinchillas. Grow them. Make a sci-fi home movie with them called “Chincheaper By The Dozen…IN SPACE!”. 
• Apply to Ventriloquy School. 
• Turn your roommates room into a craft room or a Place of Yes.
• Buy a Skip-It. Use while singing the jingle until the meter/counter breaks. This should only be about 90 seconds.
• If you are a girl, call your mother and pretend you are pregnant. If you are boy, call your father and pretend you are reassigning your gender and would like to be referred to only as Mitzy now.
• Admire the process of photosynthesis.
• Get a professional portrait with your cat and you both dressed as Fig Newtons.
• Google “Jane Eyre Porn” and visit all relevant sites.
• Orate your life story to the cashier at the closest Chinese take-out. This should take no less than 4 hours. Order egg rolls.
• Revisit the warning signs of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. Mourn.
• Become worthy of reciprocated love. 

Don’t be unreasonable. This isn’t happening.